I’ve been majorly disappointed in myself lately.
I stopped running.
I stopped lifting weights.
I stopped eating healthy.
I registered for a race and didn’t train for it.
I didn’t show up for that race.
I gained back all of the weight that I lost this year.
I let stress get the best of me.
I let myself down.
I’ve been ashamed to admit it all. When I first started my fitness journey earlier this year, I was reading all of these other fitness blogs and got inspired. These women were accomplishing their goals. Whether it was running a marathon, losing weight, or regaining confidence, they made it seem so easy. I thought I could do it too.
It’s never been easy for me. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had negative body image issues. It started in elementary school. Food was a source of comfort and pain at the same time. It’s always been a huge internal struggle for me. It’s how I’ve coped with any emotions I was feeling. The moments of satisfaction I gained from
savoring the sweet peanut butter cup woofing down ten peanut butter cups turned into hours of self loathing when I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but rolls of fat. The closest thing I can compare it to is prison. It feels like my strong, confident self has been serving a life sentence of shame and guilt, trapped in a very unflattering body that I want to break free from.
I thought I was on the path to freedom earlier this year. After years and years of starting and stopping, I ran my first race. Then I ran a longer race. And I finished! I was so proud of myself. I even saw a half marathon (my ultimate goal) on the horizon. I thought I was going to make it happen. But I re-offended.
Granted, it’s been a stressful year. Probably the most stressful year of my life. I have to give myself some credit for making it through. But I’ve realized that I need to learn better coping skills. It’s one of the many lessons that I’ve learned from my struggles lately.
I thought about giving up and just accepting myself for who I am. Maybe I’m meant to be overweight. I’ve been this way for twenty years now, so maybe this is who I’m supposed to be.
But I can’t accept that.
It’s taken a lot of convincing, but I’ve realized that I don’t need to wave my white flag anymore. I don’t have to surrender. I can still accomplish my goals. Obviously this involves a bigger life lesson than I’m presently aware of. I need to see where it leads.
Change is scary. But if I don’t try, I will never know.
So here goes. Take two. Half marathon, I hope to see you in 2013.
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