Lowering My White Flag

I’ve been majorly disappointed in myself lately.

I stopped running.

I stopped lifting weights.

I stopped eating healthy.

I registered for a race and didn’t train for it.

I didn’t show up for that race.

I gained back all of the weight that I lost this year.

I let stress get the best of me.

I let myself down.

I’ve been ashamed to admit it all. When I first started my fitness journey earlier this year, I was reading all of these other fitness blogs and got inspired. These women were accomplishing their goals. Whether it was running a marathon, losing weight, or regaining confidence, they made it seem so easy. I thought I could do it too.

It’s never been easy for me. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had negative body image issues. It started in elementary school. Food was a source of comfort and pain at the same time. It’s always been a huge internal struggle for me. It’s how I’ve coped with any emotions I was feeling. The moments of satisfaction I gained from savoring the sweet peanut butter cup woofing down ten peanut butter cups turned into hours of self loathing when I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but rolls of fat. The closest thing I can compare it to is prison. It feels like my strong, confident self has been serving a life sentence of shame and guilt, trapped in a very unflattering body that I want to break free from.

I thought I was on the path to freedom earlier this year. After years and years of starting and stopping, I ran my first race. Then I ran a longer race. And I finished! I was so proud of myself. I even saw a half marathon (my ultimate goal) on the horizon. I thought I was going to make it happen. But I re-offended.

Granted, it’s been a stressful year. Probably the most stressful year of my life. I have to give myself some credit for making it through. But I’ve realized that I need to learn better coping skills. It’s one of the many lessons that I’ve learned from my struggles lately.

I thought about giving up and just accepting myself for who I am. Maybe I’m meant to be overweight. I’ve been this way for twenty years now, so maybe this is who I’m supposed to be.

But I can’t accept that.

It’s taken a lot of convincing, but I’ve realized that I don’t need to wave my white flag anymore. I don’t have to surrender. I can still accomplish my goals. Obviously this involves a bigger life lesson than I’m presently aware of. I need to see where it leads.

Change is scary. But if I don’t try, I will never know.

So here goes. Take two. Half marathon, I hope to see you in 2013.

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4 thoughts on “Lowering My White Flag

  1. Hey good for you for not giving up! After all, failing isn’t falling down, it’s not getting back up when you do fall. Stick with it, it will be soooo worth it. Good luck!

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